Morning Briefs

Canadians Fear Wireless Devil-Magic

Some kooks up in Ontario are convinced that the wireless network at their local school is harming teh childrens. And they have found a sympathetic ear with the alarmist Canadian media.

Some parents in the Barrie, Ont., area say their children are showing a host of symptoms, ranging from headaches to dizziness and nausea and even racing heart rates. They believe the Wi-Fi setup in their kids’ elementary schools may be the problem.

The symptoms, which also include memory loss, trouble concentrating, skin rashes, hyperactivity, night sweats and insomnia, have been reported in 14 Ontario schools in Barrie, Bradford, Collingwood, Orillia and Wasaga Beach since the board decided to go wireless, Palmer said.

So, little kids can’t remember where they left their Tickle Me Elmo, don’t want to focus on their homework, and want to run around all night instead of going to bed. Why, this behavior was unheard of before the advent of wireless! Back in the olden days, fourth graders soberly completed their Algebra assignments before cleaning their rooms and tucking themselves in at night. Then, the Devil’s Network came along, and it’s been hell-in-a-handbasket time ever since. Darn you, internet! Darn you to heck!

Also, the internets is makin' our young'uns fat!

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